Friday, January 29, 2010

Lost in Translation

Sitting here at one side of my bed, confused of what to feel. Slowly, the memories take over my system. I want to hate, I’m dying to shake it off, and I want to hate you. But I just couldn’t.

I want to runaway from all of these miseries you’ve caused me to feel but I can’t get out of my room ‘cause I’m afraid they will see what you’ve done to me, radiating from my face. It’s hard to fake it now.

I want to take revenge, but I am in doubt of whether the validity of my reason could defend me in case others would question. I really am baffled right now. I’m kind of sick and unstable. I feel so stupid and lost in space. As far as my assessment is concern, ‘unwell’ is the word that probably describes me pretty well.
I am supposed to be over you, but you keep on getting my attention in everything that you do. I couldn’t concentrate on important things that I am supposed to do. You are like a ghost that keeps on haunting me even in my sleep. I tried to ignore anything you showed, but I can’t help but be affected. I want to kill this, because it cuts some of my time into waste.

I tried so hard to deny the fact that I’m still into you and make believe that I’m no longer missing you. I tried to divert my feeling to someone else in the hope that it could at least ease up the pain of wanting you. I keep myself busy and occupied all the time, anytime, so there would be no space for my mind to think of you and the things that makes me want you. But each time I tried, it always leads me to crash down and cry, because I can’t convince myself with those pretensions and as always, you take over my thoughts like you own them. Now, I felt the burden is getting heavier and my lunacy is getting worse everyday. And I call for somebody to give me a remedy to ease me and cure me 100%.

If only I could have opportunity to tell you, I would say that I took care of you like a fragile glass but you play around and break my heart instead, and consider everything as game. You don’t even value the things that I do for you. I’ve asked myself million times, why should I care when you don’t even give a dam to me? Or why should I give time thinking of you when I am not even worth a time for you? But the answers are to no avail. Until know, I couldn’t say a word to describe my thoughts for that matter. I should’ve known even a single utterance for an answer. I am so lost in translation.

For all my longings to get back my sane mind, still, I don’t have the cure for this disturbing feeling, or nobody has come to get me out from this tumultuous chamber that I have fallen into. Your memories keep coming back to me, and your face constantly flashing like lightning in front of me. Its like I’m hooked up and possessed, who needs an exorcist. Please, I’m begging you to get out of my head! Please, please, please, it has already becoming unbearable and I am already exhausted. It’s killing me.

Why I am writing this letter? What’s my point really? I still don’t know. All I know is that I don’t understand why I should go through this kind of confusing feeling. I must be suffering with attention deficiency disorder or ADD for wanting your affection so badly. And the therapy I need is just a little attention from you.

Who’s to blame for all of these? It’s my entire fault really. I allowed myself to be open, and let you in. Now I can’t make it go away. Now it tears me and I suffered a lot. I should not blame you – I should blame me. I just hope when I wake up tomorrow, I could get over you like the way I get up from my bed. I wish I could toss the feeling away like the way I usually do to my blanket and pillow. I wish. I just wish.

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