Let me borrow the title from Stacie Orrico. It’s a good description for what is happening to me after being lost in an outlandish episode of my life.
For the past countless nights, I couldn’t concentrate on sleeping. I can’t eat well, can’t think beautiful thoughts or dream sweet sceneries at night. I even wrote my trouble sleeping drama anthologies. I’ve done all of these because of one thing that bothered me consciously and subconsciously. I was referring to being into somebody I call ‘that person’ –who wasn’t into me at all. It happened so fast that I haven’t given the time to blink and ponder over it
I was longing for ‘that person’ to also go gaga over me, but the reverse was true. That caused my head to spin round and round until I was knocked down. ‘Why can’t I be given a try?’ was the question that had sank in my thought causing my own version of disturbia to be invented. I couldn’t take the fact that I was ignored.
So that my story will be fully understood, I would like to share those crazy little things I did in the name of love:
First, I played a role of whatever-you-what-I-got-it character. I made efforts to give what makes ‘that person’ happy, in forms of surprises and unexpected gifts. I was trying to give the whole wide world to ‘that person’, only left unappreciated and abandoned.
Second, I played a knight-in-shining-armor persona. As a song goes, ‘just say my name and I will be there’ was my soundtrack. Every time, I was needed I felt like I was running with open arms. I felt like McGayver trying to fix everything for ‘that person’. Well, I couldn’t be much more excited whenever yes was the response for invitations, only to come like 2 hours late all the time because somebody was being prioritized –that someone called a lover – who demanded for ‘that person’s’ attention, care, time, and everything a spoiled brat could think of.
Third, I’ve tried so hard to be like Mother Theresa – considerate and understanding. In those times when we were together, ‘that person’s’ mind seemed to fly out of space reaching as far as Uranus or Pluto. Imagine that, I was there the whole time, talking with almost every amusing topic my head had conceived just to break the series of text-message-sending to that someone called a lover, but couldn’t get a shot at all. I tried to understand the situation, though it felt like walking away.
And finally, I was like a child wishing upon a star. I have wished for my cellphone’s message tone to ring with the text message from ‘that person’ in the middle of the night. And mind you, they never came; even saying ‘Goodnight!’ couldn’t be sent. Consider me cheap, but I tried to give a call to ask why. The number given to me cannot be reached. After all, I’ve found out that ‘twas the number given to friends, and not in constant use because there was a simpack exclusive for that somebody more special. That was the most unbearable part, though small but mean so much to me. Well, I wasn’t that very special enough for just even one text message.
For so many days I suffered the anxiety attacks because of those unlikely events in my one-sided love story. I prayed every hour for me to be enlightened and shake the feeling miles away. Weird as it was, I asked my friends to strike me with something solid for me to be awakened, if this was a bad dream.
Now, how did I end up this folly? I didn’t end it up with psychotherapy or being admitted to a psychiatric ward. I didn’t end up 'that person' either - that’s murder. One day, I woke up finding that I am not missing or wanting for that person like a madman. In other words, I got over with the whole situation. And just simple, I have come to realize that, well, I not that ugly enough not to find somebody to go crazy with – who is also crazy about everything in me. Now, I will just leave the experience behind and accept the fact that I wasn’t that cool enough in the eyes of ‘that person’. Anyway, it can’t take any vital part away from my body – I am still whole, confident enough to hitch on someone much better.
And that’s all about it! I may not have an enticing novel-worthy story, but it was a very beautiful awakening for me after that one hell of a nightmare.