Wish (Just another Sick Thought)

I feel so deprived. I feel like craving for something I don’t know in most of my imaginations. I long for a long-time relationship to the point of waiting for too long but nobody comes. Or maybe, somebody has come but I was just too scared to indulge myself.

One thing for sure, I never tried to impress anyone out of my front acts and cover-ups. Because when I do, then I will be stuck on that pleaser-type personality forever. That is something that I couldn’t imagine living with – totally unnatural with so much pressure and I don’t think I could bear the burden of pretensions and charades, just for the sake of people to like me at any given time.

For all those times wishing upon a star or chasing over rainbows in the quest of finding someone to call mine, I am weary and exhausted. For those lonely days and night that I have been through, I am sad and sick wishing I would die instead. I know I have sinned upon wishing that way, but sometimes I couldn’t contain my emotions, and I asked God for forgiveness every after I do that.

Then more often, I become more moody because of my frustration of not having someone beside me. I am completely turned around while running around in circles over my unsatisfied feeling almost fed up with handling batters and bullies that I have got from my situation. And I end up defending myself in a preposterous manner sounding so defensive and brassy almost starting up a fight. Regretfully, I should have walked away every time I could see and hear lousy things that people do. I just wish I am a bubble that fade away instantly leaving no trace at all, giving no signs of existence after its silent burst in the air.

Anyway, I know I would come to the point that I could find what I am looking for. If that time comes, I will shout to the whole wide and erratic world, “this is it!” Then I will celebrate for at long last I have found my glory.

I wish. I just wish.