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Saturday, February 27, 2010

High

I am high and happy, and it is hard to write something when I am not depressed. Weird as it is, I couldn’t think of a story when I am not in a gloomy mood. I keep on screening myself on what to write ending the day with nothing on the page. I haven’t fully understood myself for that matter yet, and most often I would ask, is this a disease? Or, do I need psychotherapy? But I don’t really think so. That is why, I am trying to work against it by forcing myself to type just about anything in the keyboard until words could form into phrases joining together as sentences. And every time I do that, I could slowly figure out that I am just happy and I just couldn’t articulate it because I am always containing my feelings and expressions, especially dismal state of being, to the public, making me hard to disclose the reverse feeling as well. And now, here I am trying to be expressive by writing what had happened to me back in the days of not so long ago.

Danao, Bohol, Philippines
Just a week ago, I almost drifted away with angst about love, and hate, and misled devotion. In short, I was caught in a bad romance, and like Lady Gaga, I was demanding for affection and wanting for attention and everything that comes with the package of love, love, love from the person who is totally a jerk as far as my assessment after my beautiful awakening is concern. Yet, so crooked as my emotional state was, I tried to fight against it knowing I would end up pathetic if I succumb. For sure I know that it would come to pass. And it did! But it wasn’t so chicken feed battle for me. Just don’t ask me to narrate the story. In my times of solitude reminiscing the past, I feel so stupid and pathetic in chasing the person who never even gave a damn for a single simple thought of me. Well, what a laugh it has been.

Anyway, for now, I feel so light and carefree like a pinch of cotton blown by the wind. Truthfully, I am not familiar on how to handle this kind of feeling since it been a long time since I felt something like this. But whatever it is, all I could is that I just felt like I have drawn myself up from the quicksand that almost engulfed me towards total dormancy. Maybe one could question why I am so excited to tell everyone of what I’m feeling today, and my answer would be that it is because I have prayed for this long time ago to let me go of the miseries and now God just set me free that I feel like I am flying like a bird.

Well, that was my story. Pondering on the situations and as the days gone by, making me feel a little older, I begin to understand that life really is like traveling into the mountains and the valleys and everything in between. And the traveling needs strength and stamina accompanied with determination and the will to move on despite what lies ahead. Before I asked people, why is it that it is so hard to be happy? Now I understand that happiness shouldn’t be found elsewhere and one should not chase over it. Instead, it is self-generated depending on how one understands what’s going on around, and how one reacts on situations. And finally, I realized, happiness is how one can make when one finds enjoyment while doing things and solving messy situations.

Maybe my version of happiness didn't make sense at all. Yet, I don’t care, all I want is to enjoy how I am feeling today.

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